Travel Didn’t Cure My Mental Illness
Growing up family vacations were not glamorous, they were usually to casino resorts where I spent most of my time in the hotel. I grew up playing video games that traveled to foreign magical lands, read books and watched movies about grand adventures which planted a deep desire within me to travel the world at a young age that followed me into adulthood. I wanted to see everything with my very own eyes instead of from behind a screen. In this economy, it’s an unachievable dream for many. For awhile, it was for me too.
That was until I received an inheritance that allowed me the insane privilege and freedom to travel for a full year. The stars aligned and I met my partner who shared similar aspirations for traveling and seeing the world, and also happened to have recently come into some money.
So we started planning our trip around the world, and included places in our itinerary that my partner had visited before, and places that we both dreamed of seeing. A month each in Spain, France and then Italy, two months in the Philippines, and three months in Japan. My partner had been to France and Italy, I had visited the Philippines before, and neither of us had visited Spain or Japan before.
My partner and I fell in love with Spain, spending our month there in a small beach town, where we could ride bikes, go hiking to the ruins of a castle in the hills, and spend time in the beautiful Mediterranean Sea. In France, we stayed in a small village outside of Montpellier, where it was quaint, quiet and peaceful. I met an extremely friendly cat that changed my perspective on cats permanently. We got to do more hiking, see the beautiful architecture of Montpellier, and visit an old cathedral. I indulged in many delicious pastries, which were some of the best I have ever had. In Italy, we stayed outside of Naples and had the kindest hosts. We hiked the Path of the Gods and got to watch the sun set over Positano, and I got to cross seeing Pompeii off of my bucket list. I also had the best pizza I have ever had in my life!
Our visit to The Philippines was deeply meaningful to me as well, we spent our time on a small island and took scooter rides all over the entire island taking in the beautiful beaches and nature. Then at the end of our trip, I got a traditional Visayan tattoo to represent my culture, and it is something I wear with pride and love to share the story and meaning behind. Then finally, Japan. I’ve dreamed of visiting Japan my entire life and it managed to exceed my expectations. I was able to see Fushimi Inari, countless temples, castles and eat some of the most amazing food I’ve ever had. We had many wonderful interactions with the locals as well, who were much warmer and more welcoming to me than I expected.
Yet in spite of all the amazing sights, delicious food, and meaningful interactions, this experience did not cause me to go through a deep change or spiritual growth. I’m still the exact same me, just with exciting new memories. While traveling I developed new perspectives on the lives of others who live all over the world, but the biggest change I underwent was going from not being a cat person to being cat obsessed due to all the friendly cats I encountered on my travels.
I think in the back of my mind, I thought that simply leaving the United States and experiencing things I had always dreamed of would cure my depression and anxiety, but it didn’t. Even though I was grateful of how privileged my ability to travel was, it didn’t cure anything. Regardless of how beautiful and different my surroundings were, I still had days where my anxiety was simply overwhelming. There were days where my agoraphobia won, and I couldn’t get myself to leave our airbnb because it was all too different and new. The travel days were long, hard and mentally taxing as well. While being in a new location is lovely, sometimes traveling to a new location is hell. On top of all of this, I still struggled with insomnia and my appetite.
The most substantial growth I experienced was when I decided to move to Spain after a year of travel. Even though traveling full time was amazing, I knew I didn’t want to do it indefinitely. But I was also sure of the fact that I didn’t want to return to the United States. I decided to enroll at a language school in order to learn Spanish, and by challenging myself to learn a new language and immerse myself in a new culture, I was able to finally experience some of the growth I had been hoping for. I have become more self assured, confident and outspoken, and developed a new skill as well.
There is a quote by Buckaroo Banzai that I think is very apt, “No matter where you go, there you are.” My process with healing and improving my mental health wasn’t going to be fixed by constantly changing my surroundings when my problems were within. Even though travel helped in some ways, I had some deeper introspection to do that wouldn’t just come to me by traveling. I was finally able to do that once I had more stability, and lived in an environment that I felt safe in.
I don’t regret the experiences I’ve had, and I certainly wouldn’t take them back. If you ever have the opportunity to travel for however long and however far, you should absolutely leap at the opportunity, especially if it’s something you’ve always wanted to do! But don’t expect it to change you into a brand new person, because it won’t. Only you can do that.
